On forgiveness

[kingrat]

I generally don't hold grudges. Simply put, if someone does something that bothers me, I will work around their bad behavior, but I will not "shun" or punish someone. For instance, if someone takes something I tell them in confidence and tells other people, I will have words with them, and afterward I will simply not tell them confidential information anymore. I will usually tell them that this is what will happen, so they know why and have a chance to modify their behavior.

One friend lost $15,000 that I invested in his business because he tried to get away with not paying his workmans' comp. Rather than tell me that the business was in trouble (or anyone else who invested), he tried to cut the wrong corners. I usually see him at the local pool hall whenever I visit Moscow, Idaho. I flip him shit every time just so he remembers (okay, maybe a little punishment), but I will play pool with him and hold a conversation. I don't dislike him. But when he started hinting around that he was looking for money for another business idea, I told him he needed to pay me back the first $15 grand before I was willing to give him any more.

Some times people bad mouth me. I say go right ahead. I won't hold a grudge. I probably won't hang out with them, because I don't want to be around people capriciously denigrating me (it's not good for my mental well being). And I won't punish or bad mouth them because of their behavior, though I might mention they badmouthed me. If they have other skills or good qualities, I have no problem with telling people that. Ultimately, people will see their character flaws for what they are without me being nasty.

I should point out that this is all my ideal. I've been known to be snarky. I've been known to retaliate. I've been known to get really pissy about things at times. However, more than not I am pretty accepting of people's defects of character.

On the other hand, when I am the person who has sinned, I fully expect retaliation and punishment. Just because I follow a different path doesn't mean that someone else must. In fact, I expect and view it as correct that I should have to work my way back into a position of trust. If I have messed you over, the (objective) odds are that I will do it again. People don't change overnight, and if people think my behavior won't change overnight either, they are betting on the house. So watch me. But if you decide to cut me some slack, I'll certainly appreciate the gesture.

Comments

[betanoir.livejournal.com]

interesting series of posts recently.

as a rule for myself, it takes quite a bit for me to actually shun somebody. they have to do something completely unforgivable in my eyes, and there are very few things that i find unforgivable.
i have a stance on money and friendships. if a friend asks to borrow money, i tell myself that it is a gift when i lend it. i do not expect to see it back (no matter what amount). i don't tell them that. heh. but i refuse to let a good friendship be destroyed by an issue of money. sometimes i have it to give to people that need it more than me. i would rather give it to my friends that need it than complete strangers. besides, it's a win/win situation. i feel good for helping a friend and they are able to get themselves out of debt if need be.
the things that i find the least forgivable are issues of honesty.
i don't generally give a rat's ass what people say behind my back, and most aren't willing to say anything too terrible to my face. those that do badmouth me, i just don't talk to them. no loss.
as for retaliation and punishment...
have you ever done anything that would deserve such things?

[kingrat]

Depends on who you ask.

I haven't been an angel. Let's see... I cheated on a girlfriend once, although I don't know if she ever knew. I slept with a really good friend's ex about 3 days after he dumped her for cheating on him. I used to get extremely drunk and throw up on some of my best friends, as well as drink their alcohol while rarely contributing to their alcohol stash. I can still remember the looks on some of their faces when I knocked on the door to their parties. A typical response was "Shit, how did you know about this party?" My last girlfriend (couple of years ago) blamed me for a whole host of bad behavior, some of which was true.

I like to think I don't do too many things that might merit a nasty response. But the capability has proven to be in me.

With regard to money, I follow pretty much the same policy you do. I don't lend it. I'll give money rather than lend, so that I don't have to keep track of who owes who. I find that to be a nasty side effect of being owed money. If it's a loan, and some has trouble paying it back, they start to avoid me, not wanting to face up to the music. In fact, when I give people money, it's usually under the conditions that they don't pay it back, that they help someone else in return, and that they don't tell anyone I'm the one who helped them out. I don't want accolades and I don't want people feeling obligated to me.

Now the fellow that got the $15,000 from me was a different story. That was an investment, drawn up by lawyers and had all sorts of paperwork. I invested the money based on the business plan, not on friendship.